My Friend Is A Smoker?
A few days ago I asked a co-worker, my friend, to go to lunch. She didn’t reply. Later that morning when she said she was hungry I asked what she was doing for lunch. Again, she didn’t reply.
As 1:00 approached she came to me with her things ready to go to lunch and asked me what I was doing. I didn’t have plans yet so she invited me along and then said, “But I’m going to smoke”. Then she asked if that was ok. Inside my head, thoughts reeling, I questioned, “Why would she do that? Why would she ask me that? Doesn’t she already know it’s not ok? What if I were to tell her no? It’s not ok if you smoke around me. It’s not ok if you smoke.” I knew she had been fighting and possibly had broken up with her boyfriend but still wondered “Why would you want to?” and yet all I said was, “Ok.” I don’t know if I thought it would help her to have someone with her, but I went along. I was miserable. I could tell the conversation was helpful for her in such a stressful situation but I couldn’t help but think how silly it was of her to add insult to injury. We share the same religious beliefs, but religion aside, I also wondered how she rationalized the health risks. I tried not to be rude but inside myself I was squirming in the stuffy afternoon air inside the car. She had the window cracked but all it did was blow the smoke toward me. I leaned back in the seat and held my breath for long periods. Then as if I were swimming I would exhale in very small spurts in order to hold the air in as long as possible. When I would feel the breeze on my face of the fresh air from outside I would quickly release and inhale. Unfortunately it still wasn’t a filter and the sting of the nasty Marlboro cigarettes pinched at my nostrils. I wondered, all those times my co-workers and non-LDS friends had commented that they find me non-judgmental, would they really think so highly of me if they knew what I was thinking and how uncomfortable I was feeling? I was not naïve about smoking but I was a little sad and definitely disappointed but I didn’t say so. I didn’t know how. I thought if I were to say anything to her in such a volatile situation already that it might affect our friendship or at least the amount of trust she puts in me. She already felt that things were against her and I didn’t want to be one of those things.
The next day she wanted to go to lunch again. I had asked her the day before how much she would smoke. As I then examined her pack of cigarettes she told me she would just finish that pack. There were only six left and she had just smoked two in one hour so there wasn’t a thought at that moment that any might remain. She wanted to sit outside at Sonic while we ate, so she could smoke.
Last night she got together with the boyfriend and they talked. They made up and worked through some things. Yet still at lunch today she smoked two more cigarettes in her car.
So now three days have passed. I haven’t said anything but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to. I read some information on the internet about stress and smoking. I found this summary that fits her. This is the link: http://www.in.gov/itpc/files/research_308.pdf
It is brief but references other studies. It basically states, “Research suggests that smoking does nothing to relieve stress and can only contribute to it.”
It makes sense to me, but I’ve never been a smoker.
I don’t think I need to lecture my friend about any of the risk factors, health factors, or even religious standings about smoking. She knows. I think she just doesn’t know what else to do and this fills a void for her. However, I worry about her. I wish she could find comfort in better things. More uplifting things. I wish I had been a better example to lead her to those good things so she didn't feel a need for this recourse. If I were brave enough, I would print that study and hand it to her but I don't want to hurt her. If I'm not able to be her friend through her rough times then what good am I as a friend? But if I'm not brave enough to stand for what's right then can I call myself a friend at all? I want to say something for my own sake as well. I don’t like being around smoking.
How can I tell her any of this without hurting her feelings?
As 1:00 approached she came to me with her things ready to go to lunch and asked me what I was doing. I didn’t have plans yet so she invited me along and then said, “But I’m going to smoke”. Then she asked if that was ok. Inside my head, thoughts reeling, I questioned, “Why would she do that? Why would she ask me that? Doesn’t she already know it’s not ok? What if I were to tell her no? It’s not ok if you smoke around me. It’s not ok if you smoke.” I knew she had been fighting and possibly had broken up with her boyfriend but still wondered “Why would you want to?” and yet all I said was, “Ok.” I don’t know if I thought it would help her to have someone with her, but I went along. I was miserable. I could tell the conversation was helpful for her in such a stressful situation but I couldn’t help but think how silly it was of her to add insult to injury. We share the same religious beliefs, but religion aside, I also wondered how she rationalized the health risks. I tried not to be rude but inside myself I was squirming in the stuffy afternoon air inside the car. She had the window cracked but all it did was blow the smoke toward me. I leaned back in the seat and held my breath for long periods. Then as if I were swimming I would exhale in very small spurts in order to hold the air in as long as possible. When I would feel the breeze on my face of the fresh air from outside I would quickly release and inhale. Unfortunately it still wasn’t a filter and the sting of the nasty Marlboro cigarettes pinched at my nostrils. I wondered, all those times my co-workers and non-LDS friends had commented that they find me non-judgmental, would they really think so highly of me if they knew what I was thinking and how uncomfortable I was feeling? I was not naïve about smoking but I was a little sad and definitely disappointed but I didn’t say so. I didn’t know how. I thought if I were to say anything to her in such a volatile situation already that it might affect our friendship or at least the amount of trust she puts in me. She already felt that things were against her and I didn’t want to be one of those things.
The next day she wanted to go to lunch again. I had asked her the day before how much she would smoke. As I then examined her pack of cigarettes she told me she would just finish that pack. There were only six left and she had just smoked two in one hour so there wasn’t a thought at that moment that any might remain. She wanted to sit outside at Sonic while we ate, so she could smoke.
Last night she got together with the boyfriend and they talked. They made up and worked through some things. Yet still at lunch today she smoked two more cigarettes in her car.
So now three days have passed. I haven’t said anything but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to. I read some information on the internet about stress and smoking. I found this summary that fits her. This is the link: http://www.in.gov/itpc/files/research_308.pdf
It is brief but references other studies. It basically states, “Research suggests that smoking does nothing to relieve stress and can only contribute to it.”
It makes sense to me, but I’ve never been a smoker.
I don’t think I need to lecture my friend about any of the risk factors, health factors, or even religious standings about smoking. She knows. I think she just doesn’t know what else to do and this fills a void for her. However, I worry about her. I wish she could find comfort in better things. More uplifting things. I wish I had been a better example to lead her to those good things so she didn't feel a need for this recourse. If I were brave enough, I would print that study and hand it to her but I don't want to hurt her. If I'm not able to be her friend through her rough times then what good am I as a friend? But if I'm not brave enough to stand for what's right then can I call myself a friend at all? I want to say something for my own sake as well. I don’t like being around smoking.
How can I tell her any of this without hurting her feelings?
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